I'm thinking the ad copy for the following product:
Profile Design Razor water bottle and cage combo
...could use some updating. Clearly, since everyone on the internet charges nearly $70 for this product, it must be the greatest water bottle -- indeed, the greatest cycling accessory -- ever invented. In fact, I believe it may eliminate the need for bicycles altogether, since clearly it makes you so fast you will never require more than 20 ounces of water (proof: I'm guessing you can only fit one of these on your bike, the cage design will accept no other bottle, and nobody short of the President can afford two of these).
As such, I plan to send this updated ad copy both to Profile Design (the manufacturer) and all retailers that sell this mind-bendingly awesome water bottle. I'm sure they'll appreciate my efforts to boost sales.
Here's what I plan to suggest:
Meet the Profile Design Razor: the last water bottle you will ever need.
The Profile Design Razor's ground-breaking aerodynamic design will kick your ride into hyper-drive. No more struggling up giant climbs. No more being left in the dust by your skinny team mates. No more Lance Armstrong winning everything all the time -- with the Profile Design Razor, you are the next Lance Armstrong. In fact, you are Lance Armstrong Ultra++.
Strap this bottle to your bike, and every time you get in the saddle, whether there's a race on or not, you'll win. Being late for work is a thing of the past -- if you set out on your morning commute, no matter how long, with this bottle, you will arrive before you left. Amaze your boss! Wow your friends!
Imagine never having to consider weather conditions or wear a rain suit again: with the Profile Design Razor, you will travel so fast that rain cannot catch you. In fact, you won't need to bother with cycling clothes even in the longest and most competitive race. Thanks to the Profile Design Razor, you will blast by the competition in your Bermuda shorts and camp shirt, mounted on your single-speed Huffy beach cruiser. You will never even break a sweat.
But wait -- that's not all! In fact, this product is so amazing that you can leave the bottle itself at home. The cage alone will enhance the aerodynamic profile of your bike so dramatically that you may never actually need to drink anything again, ever. You will move so fast that thirst can't catch up with you. The Profile Design Razor bottle cage will allow you to strip molecules of hydrogen and oxygen from the air and actually synthesize water in your body without ever taking a sip.
Imagine never needing to train for those long charity rides, brevets, races, round-the-world tours, and so on. Simply purchase the Profile Design Razor, complete with unique cage that will hold no other water bottle in the universe, and strap it on.
So what if you can only fit one of these on your bike, and you can't use any other bottle with the cage? We guarantee that you will need no other water bottle. One Profile Design Razor will change your life forever.
Besides, why would you need more than one bottle? -- you will never ride for more than 2 minutes ever again, even if you enter the Tour de France.
Profile Design Razor: The Ultimate Performance-Enhancing Tool. Only $64.99 at many fine bicycle-industry retailers.
(Please note: Use with caution when temperature is below 80 F; severe frostbite may result as a side-effect of windchill. Profile Design cannot be held responsible for potential timeline conflicts associated with the use of this product.)
So ... what do you think? Should I buy one?