When I started this blog, I was living an entirely different life.
Back then, I worked full-time in software development for a large bank (and hated my job), was single (and lonely), wanted to be back in school but hadn't yet figured out how to make that happen (and was annoyed with myself about that), lived in a nice apartment in the Highlands (and -- okay, I loved that apartment and the neighborhood, actually).
Now, I barely work at all (and I'm happy about that), spend most of my time being homemaker-ly (and I'm happy about that, too), am happily engaged (and no longer lonely -- my circle of friends is also much broader), I'm halfway through my first semester as a Junior (still carrying a 4.0 GPA, booyah!), and I live in a cute little house in the South end, near Iroquois park.
I am in the bizarre position of having achieved most of my life goals within a very short span of time (Husband? Check [okay, so we're technically still engaged, but that seems moot at this point]. Regular house of worship? Check. Friends? Check. House? Check. School? Check. Time to write [both in the literary and musical senses]? Check. Horse? Not quite yet ;D). That's a startling place to be. Admittedly, my life goals aren't terribly ambitious, and many of them were highly interdependent anyway -- but it feels a little weird to be my age and to have pretty much checked off the big, permanent items on your life list in 'one swell foop,' as a friend of mine used to say. Thus, my life is no longer geared towards seeking those goals, but towards figuring out what the next set of goals is.
Moreover, even some of my remaining goals have changed.
When I started this blog, I was operating under the assumption that I would pursue a career in large animal medicine; now, I'm a psych major with no real definite career goals beyond wanting to continue to have plenty of time to devote to making my home a happy place to be (many people can swing a full-time career and managing their homes; I'm not one of them). I used to think I would probably never race; I have done a couple of races now, enjoyed the experience, and will probably give it a go again in the future. For a while, racing a lot was a major goal; now, that goal has faded into the background for the time being. When I started writing this blog, I was planning on riding a full brevet series at some point; now, I'm not entirely sure I'll ever do that. I like the idea, but it's not a goal I'm pursuing with great fervor. I certainly hope to ride more populaires, and would love to do a 200k this coming year, but beyond that, I'm just planning to, you know, follow my bliss.
Between those lives, a few threads remain: I still love bikes and riding. I still love music. I'm still playing handbells at Saint Andrew's, though I'm having a rougher time with choir (mono made singing impossible; now that I'm feeling mostly better, a momentary bout of insomnia is making getting up at 8 AM on Sunday -- or any day, for that matter -- impossible).
Of late, I've been reflecting on those changes a bit. I realize there's still something in me that's deeply resistant to change, especially in myself. That part of me had a lot of trouble letting go of my racing plans for fall, but having done so, I've found that another long-standing desire has suddenly become possible financially -- specifically, the surgical correction of gynecomastia that resulted from my natural hormonal profile (which is pathetic due to a condition called hypogonadism)and an anticonvulsant drug I took when I was in high school.
This will mean holding off on buying a 'cross bike, and indeed on a couple other big bike-related purchases I'd been hoping to swing, but it will also allow me to be a lot more comfortable in my own skin, and to pick up a few pursuits I've been putting off because I feel awkward about my body.
It's funny how letting go of one dream for a while sometimes lets you pursue another -- one, in this case, that's arguably a lot more important to my overall quality of life.
For a long time, I hemmed and hawed about this because I felt like I was choosing to trade an annoying but not potentially-life-threatening condition for a potentially-life-threatening procedure. Then, I realized that being alive is important, but so is quality of life. There are a lot of things I don't do right now, or that I do differently than I otherwise might, because I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I love swimming, but I do so very rarely, and with big, loose t-shirts on, because I don't want people to see me. I would love to get back into ballet, but serious ballet teachers expect male students to wear fairly form-fitting clothes, and that's out of the question for me right now. Even just walking down the street, I feel uncomfortable.
It will be nice to be able to feel comfortable swimming in public, or to be able to wear a trimly-tailored shirt without feeling self-conscious. It will be really nice to feel less awkward in bike jerseys, or to be able to simply unzip my jersey when it's ridiculously hot in the middle of July. I don't know that I will ever be someone who makes a habit of going around in public without a shirt -- as I see it, my body is for Denis' eyes only -- but I delight in the idea of being able to wear a form-fitting tank top or rash guard or whatever while playing in the water.
A whole bunch of other changes have flowed from this one decision.
First, I've set a new weight-loss goal, or rather, I've revised my existing goal in a more aggressive direction -- I will (WILL) weigh 150 - 155 pounds by the end of December. The closer I am to my ultimate goal weight of 135 - 145 by the time I have the surgery, the less likely it will be that I'll wind up needing a 'revision' surgery. So far, I'm sticking with the plan, though I won't know how it's going officially 'til I do my Wednesday weigh-in.
Second, I've decided I am going to revamp my wardrobe. I've spent the last few years using clothes as camouflage -- not just hiding my 'moobs,' but also hiding the fat that makes me so violently uncomfortable. Prior to that, I pretty much wore whatever I thought my boyfriend at the time would like, or simply worked the Harry Potter look (my permanent default Hallowe'en costume, LOL).
The time I spent as a Buddhist makes me laugh at myself about it, but I've decided that I'm going to decide what image I want to project to the world, and I'm going to update my wardrobe accordingly. It will be nice to have to the freedom to choose, and I don't think I'll choose quite the same kind of image I've been projecting for the past few years (that is: dorky fat boy).
Third, I am going to take up ballet again once I'm sufficiently recovered from the surgery. I'd actually really love to learn some of the circus arts, but I'm not sure there's anywhere around here to do that.
Fourth, I'm going to try to be less retiring. I bitch about wanting to ride with people more often, but I don't actually follow through. I know plenty of folks who ride, especially the awesome guys from River City Cycling Society, but I don't make myself get out of bed so I can ride with them. I put the miles in, but I put them in alone, in the afternoons, when everyone else is at work. Likewise, I keep talking about getting a bike club going at school, but I don't because I don't know anyone at school who's into bikes -- which, I'm sure, is at least in part due to the fact that we don't have a bike club. If we did, bike peeps at IUS would have a way to meet, right? I joined some national leadership society thing that school nominated me for, so I think maybe I will make getting a bike club going a project under that umbrella, or something.
I realized not that long ago that although I'm an introvert, I need a social life as well. It's kind of like how cars work: you need to put fuel in a car, but you also need to run the engine, or it gets all gummed up and breaks down. Thus, I fuel up by being alone, but I need to better respect my need to 'run my engine' by getting together with friends. Riding with people more is a good way to do that. So is getting more involved on campus.
Last, I think I'm done being closeted about my body. I have an intersex condition, and I was lucky enough to escape the usual fate of intersexed kids in the US (surgery as infants, with lifelong repercussions). For a while, I was very much an outgoing poster-boy for the IS movement; then I went 'stealth' completely (largely, I think, as a function of being afraid that no gay man on earth would want to marry an un-'corrected' IS boy). Now, I'm finding myself in places and positions where I have an opportunity to talk about who and what I am and to maybe do some good for other people like me -- so I think I'm going to get back to doing that, though not, perhaps, on the same level I used to.
Anyway, this is already way longer than I intended it to be. I'll try to post some updated goals in list form at some point in the near future :) Right now, I'm going to go hop on the bike and buy a chicken and some stuff for dinner.
More soon!
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Sunday, October 09, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Goals, and Some Complex Thoughts About Medical Stuff
I've been putzing around with my goals all year, and I don't think I've achieved any of them yet. The fact that some of them can't be achieved until at least September, anyway, may have something to do with that -- but that doesn't mean that thinking about them a bit more doesn't make at least some sense.
Thus, here I am, thinking about my goals.
What it boils down to is this: I'm not actually all that good at setting goals. My goals tend to be either too vague, too specific, too pessimistic, or too optimistic.
My non-racing goals, at least, make sense: going out on more sociable group rides is a great idea, and I've actually been following through on that one and enjoying it. My racing goals, however, could use a little work.
Last year, I set exactly one goal for 'cross season: finish at least one race. I achieved that goal.
This year, I started by setting the rather vague goal of 'finish better.'
The thing about that goal is that it doesn't give me anything really specific to go on. Goals, in this context, are useful insofar as they help you design a program to achieve them. 'Finish better' isn't very helpful.
As such, I'm updating my 'cross season goal. Here it is:
I thought about using 'Finish in the last 1/3 of the pack or better,' but to do so would present two problems:
Road Racing Goal #1 only appears comparison-based on first analysis. It actually breaks down into two more specific goals:
The second of my 5-Spot sub-goals, I've already made headway towards -- in a tight pack, I tend to fall into 'flocking mode.' This startled the heck out of me on the first fast club ride I did this year. I was afraid I would find myself boxed into a tight pack and freak out, but instead I just kind of relaxed and went with the flow. Weird, eh? Of course, we weren't descending at 45 MPH on a wet, curvy road, either.
The first ... well, we'll see in the next couple of weeks how much more work I need to achieve that sub-goal.
None of my goals, you might notice, are at all results-oriented -- which is to say, none of them has anything to do with where I finish in a given race. I don't care if I finish DFL in 'cross; finishing at all is enough. I did it once last year; if I can keep that up, and focus my training on improving my time a little each race, I'll be pretty happy.
Technically, riding a sub-12 hour 200k isn't a racing goal at all -- it's a randonneuring goal -- but it also supports my road-racing goals for next year by requiring improved endurance. You know, just in case we should actually succeed in having an actual road race around here, let alone in the spring (or, really, any time between the End of the Ice and mid-June). I was thinking about the Tour of Red River Gorge, but while the non-competitive ride went off this year, the races were cancelled due to insufficient sponsor support, so I 'm concerned that they may be cancelled next year as well.
The whole purpose behind the third goal is basically to not suck at climbing during the summer. If I climb really, really well during the reasonable seasons (spring and fall), it follows that I should climb at least decently well in the summer, when my respiratory system goes on vacation without me. This year, I was climbing decently well during the spring, and am now climbing abysmally.
I suppose I should also add one more goal:
I'm trying to change how I think about my health -- to think of my asthma not as a barrier, but as a challenge that can be managed. That said, it has officially crossed the line into 'poorly managed' as of the past week -- which is to say, I'm experiencing significant symptoms pretty much every day -- so I may need to see about getting back on a preventive medication like Advair or Singulair (only cheaper, I hope, because there's no way I can afford either of those) for the rest of the summer. I would rather bite the bullet, take the meds now, and be able to wean back off them in the fall than try to avoid taking the meds, let the underlying inflammatory process get really out of hand, get really sick, and find myself off the bike for several months again.
Likewise, I have a condition that keeps my androgen levels well below normal, and I'm trying to determine whether or not I should pursue treatment for that.
On one hand, I want to say it isn't hurting anything, but on the other hand, it is. I was skeptical about hormone replacement therapy, but when I tried it for about a year, I did feel better, both physically and emotionally. I have struggled with depression since high school, and I can count the one year that I consented to do something about my hormones as the least-depressed year I've ever had, pretty much.
I stopped hormone therapy for a number of reasons -- first, I wasn't convinced it was entirely necessary. My feelings about that are much less definite right now: it does seem to help, and as my body has wandered back to its native state (which takes about six to seven months, from what I understand), I have begun to think it helped more than I realized, both physically and emotionally.
Second, my old doctor had prescribed way too high a dose, and even when I trimmed it back my levels tended to be higher-than-typical, which also isn't good. I wanted to taper back to my own base level, then start over at a very low dose and see how it goes.
Third, part of me feels really weird about taking testosterone (even though it's prescribed to me) and competing in bike races. Technically, it's not doping if you have a valid medical reason to be doing so -- which I do, since low sex hormone levels can lead to osteoporosis, among other things -- but as I mentioned, my old doc seemed to have a hard time finding a dose that didn't shoot me above the typical range, and that seems potentially unfair. Likewise, if HRT always bumps my testosterone level higher than the typical range, I don't know that I'd be able to view any potential success in racing as real. I fear I'd feel like I cheated.
I'm also concerned about the possibility of testicular cancer, which is -- for someone like me, with atypical sex differentiation including undescended testicular tissue -- much higher when HRT is employed.
I feel a little weird discussing something this personal in this particular blog. I haven't really discussed this topic here because it never seemed relevant or useful before. Likewise, there's a part of me that A) would like, for once in my life, simply to be regarded as 'normal' and B) fears that people will be uncomfortable around me if they know I'm 'different' in such a fundamental way. Also, I get tired of explaining myself: even if most of the population of the United States had any clue what I mean when I say "I have an intersex condition," intersex is such a broad category that it still wouldn't tell anyone anything useful about my anatomical and physiological nature, or why that nature has any meaning for me outside of the most private domains of life.
In light of racing and formal training, though, it does seem relevant and useful, especially because I can't possibly be the only person with an intersex condition who wants to race bikes. We're simply not that rare (okay, my particular condition is extremely rare; but other types of intersexuality are surprisingly common). The incidence of Klinefelter's syndrome, for example, is generally stated at around one in 500 males (I'm not sure if that figure counts people who have the 47XXY karyotype and ambiguous primary sex differentiation, or if that population is counted under the headings of their various atypicalities) and KS frequently involves hypogonadism -- that is, low sex hormone levels -- which might benefit from HRT.
It is probably true that in test of strength and power, like sprinting and (to an extent) criteriums and 'cross, my hormonal status, unaltered, could be a liability. HRT would ameliorate that effect.
However, I'm more interested in endurance and long-distance speed, and I don't know how much of an impact low serum testosterone levels should have -- if any -- on endurance and speed over distance. My testosterone level, for example, generally falls at the lower end of the window between the typical female range and the typical male range, and there are certainly women who hold their own with the men in road racing at levels much higher than I ever hope to attain. Therefore, it stands to reason that I shouldn't need HRT to compete as a Cat 5 road racer. Likewise, I am genetically predisposed to hypertrophy in my leg muscles -- people at work comment on the size of my legs all the time, but the truth is I could do absolutely nothing at all cycling-wise and they would stay the way they are. My Mom's legs, in fact, look a lot like mine, and I don't think she's even sat on a bike in the past several years. My Dad's family, meanwhile, is made up of strong people with long, sleek muscles -- so I have exactly no genetic predisposition to much in the way of upper-body development. HRT didn't really do much of anything for me, upper-body wise.
The real stumbling block, for me, is the emotional effect of my hormonal issues. Everyone is subject to some degree of hormonal fluctuation; my fluctuations impact my mood profoundly. I can tell when my testosterone level is at ebb tide because I generally feel emotionally cooked. It's like I just 'bonk' emotionally. My mood drops through the floor, my motivation goes to pieces, and I just want to crawl into a dark hole somewhere. The depressions sometimes torpedo my training plans. They definitely torpedo my ability to keep up with housework.
Right now -- that is, on this particular afternoon -- I would rate my depression level as roughly 7/10, if 0 is the best and 10 the worst I could possibly feel. 7/10 is pretty rough.
This depression is definitely not situational -- my life is in pretty good shape right now, especially relative to previous years. Yet still I have these episodes, and they really interfere with my life, and especially with my cycling life. Yesterday, I had to push myself out the door; today, I have not succeeded in doing so. I have accomplished exactly nothing today, and I really just want to go back to bed.
I have a lot more of these days right now than I let on. Usually I manage them by main force -- I force myself to get outside and ride the bike; I force myself to put on a happy face (on the 'fake it 'til you make it' principal) -- but sometimes that method doesn't work.
When I was on HRT, I had far fewer of these days.
For some, the question of whether or not to pursue HRT is a simple one: a lot of people like me aren't comfortable with their own ambiguity. Personally, I am comfortable being an androgynous pretty boy (the fact that I'm gay and that DD likes me the way I am probably makes that easier for me) -- so it becomes a complex analysis of risks versus benefits.
Right now, the benefits are winning, and thus part of me feels a bit like a traitor to the cause.
Basically, I want people like me to be able to be who and what we are, without feeling like we have to conform to some culturally-approved sense of what it means to be 'male' or 'female' or 'human.' My reasons for considering HRT have nothing to do with that culturally-approved sense, but I still can't help but feel like I'm weakening my own argument -- that it's okay to be what I am -- if I pursue something that effectively makes me more 'normal.'
I intend to think this thing through very thoroughly. DD and I have been talking about it: he tends to lean towards the non-interventionist side of things, because he worries A) that medical intervention might lead to unforeseen consequences and B) that I should be allowed to be who I am in all senses of the word, and that I might be more subject than I realize to the pressures of 'normalization.'
As for me, I would simply like to stop having these days on which I just want to crawl into a hole. The lack of motivation is, in and of itself, destructive, since I tend to judge myself rather harshly when I don't get things done.
Today I have done nothing but write this blog, and I am pretty unhappy about that.
Thus, here I am, thinking about my goals.
What it boils down to is this: I'm not actually all that good at setting goals. My goals tend to be either too vague, too specific, too pessimistic, or too optimistic.
My non-racing goals, at least, make sense: going out on more sociable group rides is a great idea, and I've actually been following through on that one and enjoying it. My racing goals, however, could use a little work.
Last year, I set exactly one goal for 'cross season: finish at least one race. I achieved that goal.
This year, I started by setting the rather vague goal of 'finish better.'
The thing about that goal is that it doesn't give me anything really specific to go on. Goals, in this context, are useful insofar as they help you design a program to achieve them. 'Finish better' isn't very helpful.
As such, I'm updating my 'cross season goal. Here it is:
- Finish Cat 4 races within time constraints (preferably less 5 minutes).
I thought about using 'Finish in the last 1/3 of the pack or better,' but to do so would present two problems:
- It would require me to know how fast my group is likely to be. In all honesty, I haven't the foggiest.
- It's based on comparing myself to other racers, which isn't really the approach I want to take.
- Hang with the pack in the 5-Spot Crit Series (Cat 5) or some other Criterium series
- Ride a sub-12 hour 200k.
- Climb like a bad-- err, a like goat ;)
Road Racing Goal #1 only appears comparison-based on first analysis. It actually breaks down into two more specific goals:
- Maintain 25 MPH average for 30+ minutes.
- Get really comfortable riding fast in a pack.
The second of my 5-Spot sub-goals, I've already made headway towards -- in a tight pack, I tend to fall into 'flocking mode.' This startled the heck out of me on the first fast club ride I did this year. I was afraid I would find myself boxed into a tight pack and freak out, but instead I just kind of relaxed and went with the flow. Weird, eh? Of course, we weren't descending at 45 MPH on a wet, curvy road, either.
The first ... well, we'll see in the next couple of weeks how much more work I need to achieve that sub-goal.
None of my goals, you might notice, are at all results-oriented -- which is to say, none of them has anything to do with where I finish in a given race. I don't care if I finish DFL in 'cross; finishing at all is enough. I did it once last year; if I can keep that up, and focus my training on improving my time a little each race, I'll be pretty happy.
Technically, riding a sub-12 hour 200k isn't a racing goal at all -- it's a randonneuring goal -- but it also supports my road-racing goals for next year by requiring improved endurance. You know, just in case we should actually succeed in having an actual road race around here, let alone in the spring (or, really, any time between the End of the Ice and mid-June). I was thinking about the Tour of Red River Gorge, but while the non-competitive ride went off this year, the races were cancelled due to insufficient sponsor support, so I 'm concerned that they may be cancelled next year as well.
The whole purpose behind the third goal is basically to not suck at climbing during the summer. If I climb really, really well during the reasonable seasons (spring and fall), it follows that I should climb at least decently well in the summer, when my respiratory system goes on vacation without me. This year, I was climbing decently well during the spring, and am now climbing abysmally.
I suppose I should also add one more goal:
- Take a more organized approach to treating my medical issues.
I'm trying to change how I think about my health -- to think of my asthma not as a barrier, but as a challenge that can be managed. That said, it has officially crossed the line into 'poorly managed' as of the past week -- which is to say, I'm experiencing significant symptoms pretty much every day -- so I may need to see about getting back on a preventive medication like Advair or Singulair (only cheaper, I hope, because there's no way I can afford either of those) for the rest of the summer. I would rather bite the bullet, take the meds now, and be able to wean back off them in the fall than try to avoid taking the meds, let the underlying inflammatory process get really out of hand, get really sick, and find myself off the bike for several months again.
Likewise, I have a condition that keeps my androgen levels well below normal, and I'm trying to determine whether or not I should pursue treatment for that.
On one hand, I want to say it isn't hurting anything, but on the other hand, it is. I was skeptical about hormone replacement therapy, but when I tried it for about a year, I did feel better, both physically and emotionally. I have struggled with depression since high school, and I can count the one year that I consented to do something about my hormones as the least-depressed year I've ever had, pretty much.
I stopped hormone therapy for a number of reasons -- first, I wasn't convinced it was entirely necessary. My feelings about that are much less definite right now: it does seem to help, and as my body has wandered back to its native state (which takes about six to seven months, from what I understand), I have begun to think it helped more than I realized, both physically and emotionally.
Second, my old doctor had prescribed way too high a dose, and even when I trimmed it back my levels tended to be higher-than-typical, which also isn't good. I wanted to taper back to my own base level, then start over at a very low dose and see how it goes.
Third, part of me feels really weird about taking testosterone (even though it's prescribed to me) and competing in bike races. Technically, it's not doping if you have a valid medical reason to be doing so -- which I do, since low sex hormone levels can lead to osteoporosis, among other things -- but as I mentioned, my old doc seemed to have a hard time finding a dose that didn't shoot me above the typical range, and that seems potentially unfair. Likewise, if HRT always bumps my testosterone level higher than the typical range, I don't know that I'd be able to view any potential success in racing as real. I fear I'd feel like I cheated.
I'm also concerned about the possibility of testicular cancer, which is -- for someone like me, with atypical sex differentiation including undescended testicular tissue -- much higher when HRT is employed.
I feel a little weird discussing something this personal in this particular blog. I haven't really discussed this topic here because it never seemed relevant or useful before. Likewise, there's a part of me that A) would like, for once in my life, simply to be regarded as 'normal' and B) fears that people will be uncomfortable around me if they know I'm 'different' in such a fundamental way. Also, I get tired of explaining myself: even if most of the population of the United States had any clue what I mean when I say "I have an intersex condition," intersex is such a broad category that it still wouldn't tell anyone anything useful about my anatomical and physiological nature, or why that nature has any meaning for me outside of the most private domains of life.
In light of racing and formal training, though, it does seem relevant and useful, especially because I can't possibly be the only person with an intersex condition who wants to race bikes. We're simply not that rare (okay, my particular condition is extremely rare; but other types of intersexuality are surprisingly common). The incidence of Klinefelter's syndrome, for example, is generally stated at around one in 500 males (I'm not sure if that figure counts people who have the 47XXY karyotype and ambiguous primary sex differentiation, or if that population is counted under the headings of their various atypicalities) and KS frequently involves hypogonadism -- that is, low sex hormone levels -- which might benefit from HRT.
It is probably true that in test of strength and power, like sprinting and (to an extent) criteriums and 'cross, my hormonal status, unaltered, could be a liability. HRT would ameliorate that effect.
However, I'm more interested in endurance and long-distance speed, and I don't know how much of an impact low serum testosterone levels should have -- if any -- on endurance and speed over distance. My testosterone level, for example, generally falls at the lower end of the window between the typical female range and the typical male range, and there are certainly women who hold their own with the men in road racing at levels much higher than I ever hope to attain. Therefore, it stands to reason that I shouldn't need HRT to compete as a Cat 5 road racer. Likewise, I am genetically predisposed to hypertrophy in my leg muscles -- people at work comment on the size of my legs all the time, but the truth is I could do absolutely nothing at all cycling-wise and they would stay the way they are. My Mom's legs, in fact, look a lot like mine, and I don't think she's even sat on a bike in the past several years. My Dad's family, meanwhile, is made up of strong people with long, sleek muscles -- so I have exactly no genetic predisposition to much in the way of upper-body development. HRT didn't really do much of anything for me, upper-body wise.
The real stumbling block, for me, is the emotional effect of my hormonal issues. Everyone is subject to some degree of hormonal fluctuation; my fluctuations impact my mood profoundly. I can tell when my testosterone level is at ebb tide because I generally feel emotionally cooked. It's like I just 'bonk' emotionally. My mood drops through the floor, my motivation goes to pieces, and I just want to crawl into a dark hole somewhere. The depressions sometimes torpedo my training plans. They definitely torpedo my ability to keep up with housework.
Right now -- that is, on this particular afternoon -- I would rate my depression level as roughly 7/10, if 0 is the best and 10 the worst I could possibly feel. 7/10 is pretty rough.
This depression is definitely not situational -- my life is in pretty good shape right now, especially relative to previous years. Yet still I have these episodes, and they really interfere with my life, and especially with my cycling life. Yesterday, I had to push myself out the door; today, I have not succeeded in doing so. I have accomplished exactly nothing today, and I really just want to go back to bed.
I have a lot more of these days right now than I let on. Usually I manage them by main force -- I force myself to get outside and ride the bike; I force myself to put on a happy face (on the 'fake it 'til you make it' principal) -- but sometimes that method doesn't work.
When I was on HRT, I had far fewer of these days.
For some, the question of whether or not to pursue HRT is a simple one: a lot of people like me aren't comfortable with their own ambiguity. Personally, I am comfortable being an androgynous pretty boy (the fact that I'm gay and that DD likes me the way I am probably makes that easier for me) -- so it becomes a complex analysis of risks versus benefits.
Right now, the benefits are winning, and thus part of me feels a bit like a traitor to the cause.
Basically, I want people like me to be able to be who and what we are, without feeling like we have to conform to some culturally-approved sense of what it means to be 'male' or 'female' or 'human.' My reasons for considering HRT have nothing to do with that culturally-approved sense, but I still can't help but feel like I'm weakening my own argument -- that it's okay to be what I am -- if I pursue something that effectively makes me more 'normal.'
I intend to think this thing through very thoroughly. DD and I have been talking about it: he tends to lean towards the non-interventionist side of things, because he worries A) that medical intervention might lead to unforeseen consequences and B) that I should be allowed to be who I am in all senses of the word, and that I might be more subject than I realize to the pressures of 'normalization.'
As for me, I would simply like to stop having these days on which I just want to crawl into a hole. The lack of motivation is, in and of itself, destructive, since I tend to judge myself rather harshly when I don't get things done.
Today I have done nothing but write this blog, and I am pretty unhappy about that.
Monday, July 04, 2011
Gravel, Goals, and Really Good Food
Note: Bill, Michael, and Tim have all penned really awesome ride reports (much better than mine!), complete with pictures. Check them out!
On Thursday (or was it Friday?), Apertome sent out an invite for a 50-miler he was planning for this weekend. Though Rogue Racing had a road ride to nearby Jefferson Forest, I couldn't resist this one. The company and the route were far too tempting :D Besides, Hg is still awaiting his BB and QS is only semi-functional (no big ring).
Tim was driving up to Bloomington for the ride, and had an open slot in his car's awesome bike carrier, so I set my alarm for 5:00, then gathered all my stuff. That was well done, since I apparently hit snooze twice and swam up from the midst of a dream-state at roughly 5:15. Then it was a mad dash to get dressed, brush my teeth, and find my headlight (which I failed to do -- it later turned out to be in the front pocket of my Camelbak pack, which I only checked like eight times ._.). Around 5:40, I dashed off into the darkness to meet Tim at the third street Thornton's, an easy ride of less than 10 minutes from home (and spooky-quiet before 6:00 AM on a Sunday!).
At around 6:00 on Sunday morning, we were headed up to the home of 'IU Prime' (for the record, Tim manages to combine the rare qualities of both driving well and being an excellent conversationalist, which makes him an ideal drive companion).
When we arrived after a lovely drive through the Indiana countryside (Paoli is a really cute little town), we discovered that Mrs. Apertome had laid out a hearty repast -- home-made oatmeal, muffins, sausages, grapes, strawberries, blueberries, watermelon chunks, scrambled eggs, coffee ... it was a delicious all-you-can-eat bike fuel buffet -- not to mention a harbinger of an excellent ride to come.
Though I had already eaten two apples, a 'Nut-rition' bar, and roughly one-quarter of the package of 'Beef Chunks' I intended for ride snacks, I tucked into the repast with gusto. I could only hope that my legs would be as strong a my appetite!
Meanwhile, we chatted with some of fellow riders: a pair of gentlemen from Denver, en route to Pennsylvania, to drop off a bike, a truck, and a motorcycle, and another more local fellow, from (I think) the Fort Wayne area, who arrived a bit later. We learned that one more rider would join us en route, rounding out the total to an auspicious seven (assuming you're a little superstitious).
After breakfast, plenty of coffee, and the judicious application of sunscreen, we headed out on the road. The route began with a series of beautiful rollers -- apparently, rollers are my thing -- that led through part of Bloomington before we rolled into the woods, where we enjoyed a span of nice, flowy singletrack with the occasional log for variety, most of which the group addressed them cyclocross-stylie (albeit, not at a dead run). We rolled over the last one, which was smaller and sitting directly on the ground.
Soon, we met up with our seventh rider. A few more rolling hills brought us to the gravel (upon which I was, at first, profoundly nervous), then to the first monster climb of the day: a long uphill stretch of Bloomington's Strada Bianca!
At this point, I encountered the first in a series of frustrating drive-train issues. It took me most of the duration of the ride to figure out how to get started again on steep hills when the Cannondale's rear hub issues caused chain slippage and resulting momentum loss. On the monster gravel climb, this meant I walked -- that is, after falling over sideways while attempting to get started (which resulted in cursing, followed by a mental vision of what I must have looked like, followed by profound amusement), I walked.
By the way: if you're wondering: when you have to get started on an enormous climb, position the bike diagonally across the road but slightly uphill, swing a leg over, clip in, set your clipped-in leg to a reasonable angle (about 2:00 worked for me -- I probably should've clipped in on my uphill leg, though, come to think of it). I'm not sure this would work on loose gravel.
I also learned that I am a complete chicken about descending on gravel. It took me nearly the whole of one very long gravel descent to realize that if I let go of the brakes, I probably wouldn't die.
Probably.
We continued through some beautiful park land, stopping occasionally to enjoy a lakeside view and regroup. It's difficult to describe the beauty of the landscape -- I didn't take any pictures, but those taken by the guys with the cameras will, I'm sure, do better justice to the Bloomington surrounds than my words might. Simply imagine sun-dappled woods carpeted with wild vinca, rolling hills, and serene lakes that give way suddenly to sunlit meadows waving with deep-green grasses ... Strips of blue-grey highway surrender themselves to oceans of dusty white gravel ... Occasional passing drivers seem to understand that you have just as much right to the road and wave as they go by.
In other words, short of the presence of a nearby ocean, this is just about my vision of what Heaven should be like. Even the various mechanical issues -- my skippy chain, a stubborn rear tire leak, SuperTim's chain snapped by the enormous torque of his legs -- encountered by the group failed to dampen the mood. Every rider seemed able to laugh at his (and his bike's) difficulties. Mostly, anyway. I was secretly rather embarrassed by my own climbing performance, so I whined about my mechanical issues rather more than is usual for me.
During one of our intermittent pauses-to-regroup, hungry but frustrated with Planter's tasty-but-unsatisfying Nut-rition bars and attempting to conserve some beef chunks, I remembered suddenly that I'd packed pizza rolls (imagine something like a calzone, only long and skinny, and you've about got it: I made them on Saturday night). I wolfed one down, felt a million times better, and rolled on fat and happy (just like my tires).
The final two gravel stretches were the most difficult, though both were flat. The gravel in question was of a scale that simply didn't play nicely with bikes -- it was loose and tended to roll, creating very unstable footing for the bikes. The second-to-last segment, in particular, was enough even to cause me to whine about my backside, which is the one part of me I almost never find occasion to whine about (I also whined about my knees on this ride, mostly because I found it surprising that they hurt as much as they did on the climbs -- I think I might need to adjust the C'dale's fit). The last wasn't nearly as bad -- that, or else I had gone numb -- especially since it involved a metal bridge crossing which I declared to be a 'massage feature,' though it was still quite rough.
Soon we were in the home stretch. After a last quick break to regroup, we parted ways with the rider who'd joined us en route, then headed for the barn. Tim and one of the fellows from Denver set up a good pace; I chased them over the rollers, sometimes bridging up, sometimes lagging behind (particularly when a solid effort resulted in a skipping chain and lost momentum -- man, mountain bikes can lose momentum fast rolling uphill!). One of the other riders was experiencing leg cramps, so Apertome and our sixth man stayed back to keep him company.
After one last good climb (nothing compared to the monster climbs mid-ride, of course), we were treated to a long descent that led us into Apertome's neighborhood. One of the fellows who had been behind me -- the semi-local guy on the Specialized Tricross -- caught up with me, and we rolled it in together. He wished me luck this coming 'cross season. I'll need it!
Mrs. Apertome brought out a selection of beers, along with the makings of a great lunch. I quite enjoyed the Dragonfly IPA, though I learned that I am even more of a lightweight when I've just returned from a good fifty miler. I chased it with a bunch of water, delicious pasta salad, salty potato chips (hooray for salt!), and a turkey sandwich, but still felt tipsy as Tim and I loaded the bikes and prepared to head out (technically, Tim loaded the bikes; I think his bike rack is nifty, but figured he is more familiar with it than I am ^-^).
On the way home, I also ate the rest of my beef chunks. I am going to have to remember them for long rides from now on -- they're not quite as dry and salty as jerky, so they're easier to eat, but they're still salty enough to satisfy the inevitable salt-craving. After Tim dropped me back at the third street Thornton's, I spun home leisurely (thought about a Rite-Aid stop, but decided against it). As Tim said, it was nice to finish a ride with a good ten more miles at least left in the old legs, as opposed to finishing ten miles after the legs were done :)
At home, I hosed off the day's sweat and grit -- and came to the realization that there's nothing wrong with planning my racing schedule around spring and fall, the seasons during which my asthma is most manageable. Then I killed off my pizza rolls for dinner without even bothering to reheat them (they're just fine cold, or lukewarm after a day in the ol' Camelbak pocket). I also ate some of the sausage-and-onions that DD had fried up. Then I curled up on the couch with DD and watched movies for a bit.
At that point, I crawled into bed, read until I couldn't even have even propped my eyes open, and fell into a blissful slumber around 10:30. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I dreamed about bikes (also tornadoes in a different dream entirely, but mostly bikes).
In summary: Sunday could only have been better if there had been an ocean involved and if DD had been up to coming on the ride (he's not there yet, but if he keeps riding, he'll get there). As it was, it was still a phenomenal day. I know I say this every time I go on one, but this was the best ride I've had all year ... which, come to think of it, is really saying something, since I was riding a mountain bike that I don't even own instead of one of my beloved road bikes!
To some extent, I am still getting to know the C'dale, so I rode rather more cautiously than I might otherwise have done. HeadShocks are actually pretty cool, but definitely impact handling in an interesting way. I also didn't learn until I was riding home from the gas-station that I could lock out its front shock simply by turning a little dial at the top (it's one of those old-fashioned 'HeadShock' models). That intel would've been useful on the long paved climbs, since I realized en route home, after discovering the dial, that the action of the shock absorbs a surprising amount of the rider's effort and locking it out makes all the difference in the world (skinnier tires running at slightly higher pressure would've helped, too).
Serious training for 'cross begins this week, and next Saturday I'm hoping to roll out with LBC's 100k populaire. Barring the emergence of plans-I've-forgotten-about (DD is our household social director), it will be my first brevet, so I'm hoping to make it.
During the past few weeks, when I haven't been posting much, I've been thinking a lot about where I want to go with my bike habit. Those thoughts have now gelled into a set of goals:
I think I will also get in the habit of riding hill repeats in Cherokee Park, though neither Cherokee nor Iroquois involves a long enough climb to be too much of a challenge.
As for that last goal: I've discovered that I really enjoy riding flowy singletrack, and that gravel is fun in its own unique way. Heretofore, I've done a fair bit of grass riding, a bit of singletrack, and a lot of riding on cobbles (I like to find routes that take me through Louisville's cobbled alleys and backroads), but I've mostly avoided gravel because I'm a bit afraid of it. Well, the best way to overcome a fear is to face it, right? So I'm going to hunt for some gravel and ride the bejeezus out of it.
I've decided that I can get a bit more 'serious,' if you will, about training for racing without losing my grip on the fact that I ride bikes for fun. My racing goals will remain as they stand -- in cross, finish better; in MTB racing, finish at all (LOL); in road racing, start (in the spring).
Meanwhile, here's how this week's riding plans look:
MONDAY
Rest day. Maybe no riding, maybe just a little road ride.
TUESDAY
9:45 Rocky's Bust Your Gut Ride
1:30 LAB class (some riding involved?)
WEDNESDAY
Hill repeats (Iroquois?).
THURSDAY
Road LSD* (50 miles), possibly LBC Louisville Loop 50
FRIDAY
Intervals, assuming Hg is ready to go.
SATURDAY
Road LSD -- LBC Poplaire (100k). This shouldn't be a particularly high-effort ride.
SUNDAY
Rest day.
Next week I hope to have a more formal training plan on my hands! Meanwhile, all baking activities will be shifted to the early morning hours, before the day gets really hot, so the house has time to cool off before DD gets home from work.
Notes
*That's Long Steady Distance. That, or else Lovely, Salty Doritos. You make the call!
On Thursday (or was it Friday?), Apertome sent out an invite for a 50-miler he was planning for this weekend. Though Rogue Racing had a road ride to nearby Jefferson Forest, I couldn't resist this one. The company and the route were far too tempting :D Besides, Hg is still awaiting his BB and QS is only semi-functional (no big ring).
Tim was driving up to Bloomington for the ride, and had an open slot in his car's awesome bike carrier, so I set my alarm for 5:00, then gathered all my stuff. That was well done, since I apparently hit snooze twice and swam up from the midst of a dream-state at roughly 5:15. Then it was a mad dash to get dressed, brush my teeth, and find my headlight (which I failed to do -- it later turned out to be in the front pocket of my Camelbak pack, which I only checked like eight times ._.). Around 5:40, I dashed off into the darkness to meet Tim at the third street Thornton's, an easy ride of less than 10 minutes from home (and spooky-quiet before 6:00 AM on a Sunday!).
At around 6:00 on Sunday morning, we were headed up to the home of 'IU Prime' (for the record, Tim manages to combine the rare qualities of both driving well and being an excellent conversationalist, which makes him an ideal drive companion).
When we arrived after a lovely drive through the Indiana countryside (Paoli is a really cute little town), we discovered that Mrs. Apertome had laid out a hearty repast -- home-made oatmeal, muffins, sausages, grapes, strawberries, blueberries, watermelon chunks, scrambled eggs, coffee ... it was a delicious all-you-can-eat bike fuel buffet -- not to mention a harbinger of an excellent ride to come.
Though I had already eaten two apples, a 'Nut-rition' bar, and roughly one-quarter of the package of 'Beef Chunks' I intended for ride snacks, I tucked into the repast with gusto. I could only hope that my legs would be as strong a my appetite!
Meanwhile, we chatted with some of fellow riders: a pair of gentlemen from Denver, en route to Pennsylvania, to drop off a bike, a truck, and a motorcycle, and another more local fellow, from (I think) the Fort Wayne area, who arrived a bit later. We learned that one more rider would join us en route, rounding out the total to an auspicious seven (assuming you're a little superstitious).
After breakfast, plenty of coffee, and the judicious application of sunscreen, we headed out on the road. The route began with a series of beautiful rollers -- apparently, rollers are my thing -- that led through part of Bloomington before we rolled into the woods, where we enjoyed a span of nice, flowy singletrack with the occasional log for variety, most of which the group addressed them cyclocross-stylie (albeit, not at a dead run). We rolled over the last one, which was smaller and sitting directly on the ground.
Soon, we met up with our seventh rider. A few more rolling hills brought us to the gravel (upon which I was, at first, profoundly nervous), then to the first monster climb of the day: a long uphill stretch of Bloomington's Strada Bianca!
At this point, I encountered the first in a series of frustrating drive-train issues. It took me most of the duration of the ride to figure out how to get started again on steep hills when the Cannondale's rear hub issues caused chain slippage and resulting momentum loss. On the monster gravel climb, this meant I walked -- that is, after falling over sideways while attempting to get started (which resulted in cursing, followed by a mental vision of what I must have looked like, followed by profound amusement), I walked.
By the way: if you're wondering: when you have to get started on an enormous climb, position the bike diagonally across the road but slightly uphill, swing a leg over, clip in, set your clipped-in leg to a reasonable angle (about 2:00 worked for me -- I probably should've clipped in on my uphill leg, though, come to think of it). I'm not sure this would work on loose gravel.
I also learned that I am a complete chicken about descending on gravel. It took me nearly the whole of one very long gravel descent to realize that if I let go of the brakes, I probably wouldn't die.
Probably.
We continued through some beautiful park land, stopping occasionally to enjoy a lakeside view and regroup. It's difficult to describe the beauty of the landscape -- I didn't take any pictures, but those taken by the guys with the cameras will, I'm sure, do better justice to the Bloomington surrounds than my words might. Simply imagine sun-dappled woods carpeted with wild vinca, rolling hills, and serene lakes that give way suddenly to sunlit meadows waving with deep-green grasses ... Strips of blue-grey highway surrender themselves to oceans of dusty white gravel ... Occasional passing drivers seem to understand that you have just as much right to the road and wave as they go by.
In other words, short of the presence of a nearby ocean, this is just about my vision of what Heaven should be like. Even the various mechanical issues -- my skippy chain, a stubborn rear tire leak, SuperTim's chain snapped by the enormous torque of his legs -- encountered by the group failed to dampen the mood. Every rider seemed able to laugh at his (and his bike's) difficulties. Mostly, anyway. I was secretly rather embarrassed by my own climbing performance, so I whined about my mechanical issues rather more than is usual for me.
During one of our intermittent pauses-to-regroup, hungry but frustrated with Planter's tasty-but-unsatisfying Nut-rition bars and attempting to conserve some beef chunks, I remembered suddenly that I'd packed pizza rolls (imagine something like a calzone, only long and skinny, and you've about got it: I made them on Saturday night). I wolfed one down, felt a million times better, and rolled on fat and happy (just like my tires).
The final two gravel stretches were the most difficult, though both were flat. The gravel in question was of a scale that simply didn't play nicely with bikes -- it was loose and tended to roll, creating very unstable footing for the bikes. The second-to-last segment, in particular, was enough even to cause me to whine about my backside, which is the one part of me I almost never find occasion to whine about (I also whined about my knees on this ride, mostly because I found it surprising that they hurt as much as they did on the climbs -- I think I might need to adjust the C'dale's fit). The last wasn't nearly as bad -- that, or else I had gone numb -- especially since it involved a metal bridge crossing which I declared to be a 'massage feature,' though it was still quite rough.
Soon we were in the home stretch. After a last quick break to regroup, we parted ways with the rider who'd joined us en route, then headed for the barn. Tim and one of the fellows from Denver set up a good pace; I chased them over the rollers, sometimes bridging up, sometimes lagging behind (particularly when a solid effort resulted in a skipping chain and lost momentum -- man, mountain bikes can lose momentum fast rolling uphill!). One of the other riders was experiencing leg cramps, so Apertome and our sixth man stayed back to keep him company.
After one last good climb (nothing compared to the monster climbs mid-ride, of course), we were treated to a long descent that led us into Apertome's neighborhood. One of the fellows who had been behind me -- the semi-local guy on the Specialized Tricross -- caught up with me, and we rolled it in together. He wished me luck this coming 'cross season. I'll need it!
Mrs. Apertome brought out a selection of beers, along with the makings of a great lunch. I quite enjoyed the Dragonfly IPA, though I learned that I am even more of a lightweight when I've just returned from a good fifty miler. I chased it with a bunch of water, delicious pasta salad, salty potato chips (hooray for salt!), and a turkey sandwich, but still felt tipsy as Tim and I loaded the bikes and prepared to head out (technically, Tim loaded the bikes; I think his bike rack is nifty, but figured he is more familiar with it than I am ^-^).
On the way home, I also ate the rest of my beef chunks. I am going to have to remember them for long rides from now on -- they're not quite as dry and salty as jerky, so they're easier to eat, but they're still salty enough to satisfy the inevitable salt-craving. After Tim dropped me back at the third street Thornton's, I spun home leisurely (thought about a Rite-Aid stop, but decided against it). As Tim said, it was nice to finish a ride with a good ten more miles at least left in the old legs, as opposed to finishing ten miles after the legs were done :)
At home, I hosed off the day's sweat and grit -- and came to the realization that there's nothing wrong with planning my racing schedule around spring and fall, the seasons during which my asthma is most manageable. Then I killed off my pizza rolls for dinner without even bothering to reheat them (they're just fine cold, or lukewarm after a day in the ol' Camelbak pocket). I also ate some of the sausage-and-onions that DD had fried up. Then I curled up on the couch with DD and watched movies for a bit.
At that point, I crawled into bed, read until I couldn't even have even propped my eyes open, and fell into a blissful slumber around 10:30. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I dreamed about bikes (also tornadoes in a different dream entirely, but mostly bikes).
In summary: Sunday could only have been better if there had been an ocean involved and if DD had been up to coming on the ride (he's not there yet, but if he keeps riding, he'll get there). As it was, it was still a phenomenal day. I know I say this every time I go on one, but this was the best ride I've had all year ... which, come to think of it, is really saying something, since I was riding a mountain bike that I don't even own instead of one of my beloved road bikes!
To some extent, I am still getting to know the C'dale, so I rode rather more cautiously than I might otherwise have done. HeadShocks are actually pretty cool, but definitely impact handling in an interesting way. I also didn't learn until I was riding home from the gas-station that I could lock out its front shock simply by turning a little dial at the top (it's one of those old-fashioned 'HeadShock' models). That intel would've been useful on the long paved climbs, since I realized en route home, after discovering the dial, that the action of the shock absorbs a surprising amount of the rider's effort and locking it out makes all the difference in the world (skinnier tires running at slightly higher pressure would've helped, too).
Serious training for 'cross begins this week, and next Saturday I'm hoping to roll out with LBC's 100k populaire. Barring the emergence of plans-I've-forgotten-about (DD is our household social director), it will be my first brevet, so I'm hoping to make it.
During the past few weeks, when I haven't been posting much, I've been thinking a lot about where I want to go with my bike habit. Those thoughts have now gelled into a set of goals:
- Get out on more sociable group rides!
- Orient race training towards 'cross in the Fall and road in the spring, and let summer just be summer.
- Climb bigger hills more often.
- Ride off road (and on gravel roads) more often.
I think I will also get in the habit of riding hill repeats in Cherokee Park, though neither Cherokee nor Iroquois involves a long enough climb to be too much of a challenge.
As for that last goal: I've discovered that I really enjoy riding flowy singletrack, and that gravel is fun in its own unique way. Heretofore, I've done a fair bit of grass riding, a bit of singletrack, and a lot of riding on cobbles (I like to find routes that take me through Louisville's cobbled alleys and backroads), but I've mostly avoided gravel because I'm a bit afraid of it. Well, the best way to overcome a fear is to face it, right? So I'm going to hunt for some gravel and ride the bejeezus out of it.
I've decided that I can get a bit more 'serious,' if you will, about training for racing without losing my grip on the fact that I ride bikes for fun. My racing goals will remain as they stand -- in cross, finish better; in MTB racing, finish at all (LOL); in road racing, start (in the spring).
Meanwhile, here's how this week's riding plans look:
MONDAY
Rest day. Maybe no riding, maybe just a little road ride.
TUESDAY
9:45 Rocky's Bust Your Gut Ride
1:30 LAB class (some riding involved?)
WEDNESDAY
Hill repeats (Iroquois?).
THURSDAY
Road LSD* (50 miles), possibly LBC Louisville Loop 50
FRIDAY
Intervals, assuming Hg is ready to go.
SATURDAY
Road LSD -- LBC Poplaire (100k). This shouldn't be a particularly high-effort ride.
SUNDAY
Rest day.
Next week I hope to have a more formal training plan on my hands! Meanwhile, all baking activities will be shifted to the early morning hours, before the day gets really hot, so the house has time to cool off before DD gets home from work.
Notes
*That's Long Steady Distance. That, or else Lovely, Salty Doritos. You make the call!
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
Hurray for Small Goals
I am still feeling a little overwhelmed. I may have mentioned that my therapist observed that I've taken on an awful lot of late, and haven't left myself much room for the activities that I find refreshing.
I've realized that I'm a person who needs open spaces in my life -- probably more than most people. I enjoy company, but I'm very much an introvert: I recharge by being alone.
It really helps to have unstructured time to ride my bike, take naps, read, sit in the bath for an hour (and read), do housework (I find housework enjoyable, when I'm not trying to cram it in to an already-overfull schedule), play music, or whatever. Right now, those open spaces are too few and far between: I'm struggling with the same problem I had when I worked for the bank. I don't see any gaps in my calendar for a long time. There are people who thrive under those conditions (I respect their endurance; my Mom is one of them, and continues to amaze me) and people who wither. I'm a witherer :)
So what, you may be asking, does this have to do with goals?
Well, I realized I'm going to have to revise my approach to achieving my 2011 goals if I want to actually do so without imploding by mid-April.
First, I've decided that my weight-loss goal (which isn't in that list) -- while I do intend to pursue it in earnest -- needs to be broken down to a bare minimum. I mean to whittle off 30 pounds by the start of 'cross season: a goal I could, at this point, achieve even at a rate of just over one pound lost per week, since 'cross season starts in September. One pound a week seems doable (though somehow I magically gained four pounds last week, meaning my net weight change for February was +1 lb -- oy vey).
I do think I will need to make careful food choices and track calories until I start meeting my riding goals, but that shouldn't be a big problem, since I'm planning to do so anyway. Instead of 'giving something up' for Lent, I've decided to use this period of reflection and renewal to focus on eating more sustainably (I eat less meat, for example, than a lot of people, but more than I really need) and making better food choices (shouldn't be too hard, as I have been craving leafy things and fruits like mad of late).
Because of problems with vitamin B12 absorption, I don't think I'm going to try going vegetarian, but I do think I will try eating a mostly-lacto-ovo-vegetarian diet and limiting meat or fish to once or twice a week. As I step up the mileage later in the spring, I will probably have to revise a bit, but I'm okay with that. I'm not anti-meat, just anti-mindlessness.
My goals for this particular project are to eat more mindfully, reduce my environmental footprint, eat more locally (we're looking into a CSA share, but we might just do it the lazy way and hit the farmer's market instead), save money (we eat out too much; we could take the money we save andbuy more bike stuff help fight hunger here in Kentucky ... okay, and buy more bike stuff ^.^') and improve my own health. Part of this process, for me, will be keeping track of what I'm eating.
I'm also setting my March distance goal at 300 miles, with long ride goals of no more than 40 miles. This is lower than my initial goal of 100 miles per week -- I've been discouraged by routinely missing my goals, but didn't want to pare back and admit 'failure.' Instead of walking around mad at myself for failing to meet my distance goals, I decided to sit down and try to parse out why I'm not meeting them.
Once I got to thinking about it, I realized that I set them without accounting for my schedule and some of the other stuff I'm dealing with at the moment. Right now, my schedule makes it hard to get to group rides; as for commuting, for a while, I was struggling to sleep at night, and thus not reliably waking up early enough in the morning. The former I can't do much about 'til the LBC ride schedule picks up a little towards the end of the month, but the latter is a goal I can absolutely meet now that I'm reliably waking up around 6:30 almost every day (I've even been making breakfast!!!). I have to admit I've been being less than flahute-esque of late: in the morning, it's been easier to crawl into the warmth of DD's truck, since he's going that way anyway, and tote my bike along for afternoon commutes only. I bet Jens Voigt doesn't fear chilly mornings. Longer days should also help.
A 300-mile goal should be easy to meet once I get back to commuting both ways by bike most of the time, in addition to riding to my Thursday therapy appointment (which I'm doing anyway), then throw in some extra rides for fun. Now that Denis has his very own cycling jersey:
...I'm hoping we'll be riding together more. He's even been (GASP!) looking at road bikes! (Flat-bar road bikes, granted, but road bikes nonetheless!). That will be good, too.
So I mean to ride the bike to work tomorrow, then continue with the two-way commute from there (though I'm not going to be too much of a stickler about it; I might take the bus part way or ride with Denis once in a while).
Anyway, now that I've hammered out the kinks in my brain a little, I think I'm going to go ride the bike. It's a beautiful day, and the laundry will definitely still be here when I get home.
I've realized that I'm a person who needs open spaces in my life -- probably more than most people. I enjoy company, but I'm very much an introvert: I recharge by being alone.
It really helps to have unstructured time to ride my bike, take naps, read, sit in the bath for an hour (and read), do housework (I find housework enjoyable, when I'm not trying to cram it in to an already-overfull schedule), play music, or whatever. Right now, those open spaces are too few and far between: I'm struggling with the same problem I had when I worked for the bank. I don't see any gaps in my calendar for a long time. There are people who thrive under those conditions (I respect their endurance; my Mom is one of them, and continues to amaze me) and people who wither. I'm a witherer :)
So what, you may be asking, does this have to do with goals?
Well, I realized I'm going to have to revise my approach to achieving my 2011 goals if I want to actually do so without imploding by mid-April.
First, I've decided that my weight-loss goal (which isn't in that list) -- while I do intend to pursue it in earnest -- needs to be broken down to a bare minimum. I mean to whittle off 30 pounds by the start of 'cross season: a goal I could, at this point, achieve even at a rate of just over one pound lost per week, since 'cross season starts in September. One pound a week seems doable (though somehow I magically gained four pounds last week, meaning my net weight change for February was +1 lb -- oy vey).
I do think I will need to make careful food choices and track calories until I start meeting my riding goals, but that shouldn't be a big problem, since I'm planning to do so anyway. Instead of 'giving something up' for Lent, I've decided to use this period of reflection and renewal to focus on eating more sustainably (I eat less meat, for example, than a lot of people, but more than I really need) and making better food choices (shouldn't be too hard, as I have been craving leafy things and fruits like mad of late).
Because of problems with vitamin B12 absorption, I don't think I'm going to try going vegetarian, but I do think I will try eating a mostly-lacto-ovo-vegetarian diet and limiting meat or fish to once or twice a week. As I step up the mileage later in the spring, I will probably have to revise a bit, but I'm okay with that. I'm not anti-meat, just anti-mindlessness.
My goals for this particular project are to eat more mindfully, reduce my environmental footprint, eat more locally (we're looking into a CSA share, but we might just do it the lazy way and hit the farmer's market instead), save money (we eat out too much; we could take the money we save and
I'm also setting my March distance goal at 300 miles, with long ride goals of no more than 40 miles. This is lower than my initial goal of 100 miles per week -- I've been discouraged by routinely missing my goals, but didn't want to pare back and admit 'failure.' Instead of walking around mad at myself for failing to meet my distance goals, I decided to sit down and try to parse out why I'm not meeting them.
Once I got to thinking about it, I realized that I set them without accounting for my schedule and some of the other stuff I'm dealing with at the moment. Right now, my schedule makes it hard to get to group rides; as for commuting, for a while, I was struggling to sleep at night, and thus not reliably waking up early enough in the morning. The former I can't do much about 'til the LBC ride schedule picks up a little towards the end of the month, but the latter is a goal I can absolutely meet now that I'm reliably waking up around 6:30 almost every day (I've even been making breakfast!!!). I have to admit I've been being less than flahute-esque of late: in the morning, it's been easier to crawl into the warmth of DD's truck, since he's going that way anyway, and tote my bike along for afternoon commutes only. I bet Jens Voigt doesn't fear chilly mornings. Longer days should also help.
A 300-mile goal should be easy to meet once I get back to commuting both ways by bike most of the time, in addition to riding to my Thursday therapy appointment (which I'm doing anyway), then throw in some extra rides for fun. Now that Denis has his very own cycling jersey:
 |
| From MyLife |
...I'm hoping we'll be riding together more. He's even been (GASP!) looking at road bikes! (Flat-bar road bikes, granted, but road bikes nonetheless!). That will be good, too.
So I mean to ride the bike to work tomorrow, then continue with the two-way commute from there (though I'm not going to be too much of a stickler about it; I might take the bus part way or ride with Denis once in a while).
Anyway, now that I've hammered out the kinks in my brain a little, I think I'm going to go ride the bike. It's a beautiful day, and the laundry will definitely still be here when I get home.
Friday, February 25, 2011
In Which Your Humble Blogger Fails at Logging Miles ... Again
I need to update my training log. Also, to either buy a wireless cyclometer or put the old one on my road bike. Manually calculating top speed is impossible (except on those awesome occasions when someone pulls up and says, "OMG you were totally going 35 MPH down that hill!" or whatever), and manually calculating average speed is a pain in the neck.
I had a nice ride today from the Irish Rover on Frankfort Ave to bell choir practice at my church. I am definitely feeling much better on the bike now that I've adjusted the angle of the bars, though I'm still seriously hinky about fast descents in wet weather (less than I was, though). I guess that's not an unreasonable thing to be hinky about, though, and it's not like it's keeping me off the bike. I'll have to map my route and figure out the distance. Lately, that just seems too much like work, so I think it's definitely time to employ the cyclometer to the best of its capabilities.
DD also took me shopping (yeay!), and we acquired another rain jacket (so I can wash mine once in a while, LOL), a convertible wind jacket/wind vest, and a plain ol' wind vest, in addition to a bunch of nice wool sweaters to be felted a little and converted into cycling sweaters for next winter at the DAV thrift store on Dixie Highway. They often have an array of running stuff suitable for cycling (hence the wind vest), and occasionally have actual cycling stuff (such as a random skinsuit, which I almost bought, months ago: ultimately, I decided against it, because I didn't like the idea of having to basically get totally undressed to use the restroom on a long ride, and I don't plan to race in a skinsuit any time soon).
I have decided to give bibs a try. This decision largely resulted from a couple of potentially-embarrassing wind-related wardrobe malfunctions involving the nose of my saddle and the back of my shorts. I'm pretty sure I mooned a mailman at least once. It can be challenging to swing into the saddle with a bazillion pounds of mail on your back.
Tomorrow's supposed to be rainy and windy. Looks like good weather for testing the new wind vest, among other things. Also looks like I'm going to probably want to wear my thermal tights at least once more this year. Also, also looks like a good day to co-ordinate rides with the weather so you get a tailwind while climbing :)
There's a saying about the month of March: "In like a lion, out like a lamb." Since weather.com is predicting a ten-degree temperature drop between 3 and 9 AM, I'm guessing the lion's a little early.
Tomorrow (technically today; having a touch of insomnia) is going to be one of those days for the maxim, "Just remember: in Belgium, they race in this stuff."
Edit: Just logged my Eva Bandman ride from the other day on Map My Ride. I like the way the elevation profile scales relative to the overall change in elevation. If you just glance at the elevation profile on the map:
http://www.mapmyride.com/routes/view/28755502/
and don't look at the numbers, you'll think there are actual climbs on this ride.
In fact, the elevation profile for this ride should look more or less like this:
\____________________________________________________________/
Only the starting descent and ending climb shouldn't be quite so stiff. If I can ride it in 53x15, get to the top, and say to myself, "Oh, there was a hill there," it really shouldn't count :D
Also, it turns out MMR now has a food log tool, so I can drift away from Livestrong altogether. Not that I don't like Livestrong, but their mapping tool is slow as Christmas, and that annoys the bejeebers out of me.
In other, other news, I am down about 2 lbs for the week, so I'm happy with that. More than that, at this point, would be overkill. One of these days I will get really brave and start posting my weight numbers :::gulp::: Maybe I'll post them in stone, just to be obstinate.
...And now I'm going to bed, so I don't kill myself on the bike tomorrow.
I had a nice ride today from the Irish Rover on Frankfort Ave to bell choir practice at my church. I am definitely feeling much better on the bike now that I've adjusted the angle of the bars, though I'm still seriously hinky about fast descents in wet weather (less than I was, though). I guess that's not an unreasonable thing to be hinky about, though, and it's not like it's keeping me off the bike. I'll have to map my route and figure out the distance. Lately, that just seems too much like work, so I think it's definitely time to employ the cyclometer to the best of its capabilities.
DD also took me shopping (yeay!), and we acquired another rain jacket (so I can wash mine once in a while, LOL), a convertible wind jacket/wind vest, and a plain ol' wind vest, in addition to a bunch of nice wool sweaters to be felted a little and converted into cycling sweaters for next winter at the DAV thrift store on Dixie Highway. They often have an array of running stuff suitable for cycling (hence the wind vest), and occasionally have actual cycling stuff (such as a random skinsuit, which I almost bought, months ago: ultimately, I decided against it, because I didn't like the idea of having to basically get totally undressed to use the restroom on a long ride, and I don't plan to race in a skinsuit any time soon).
I have decided to give bibs a try. This decision largely resulted from a couple of potentially-embarrassing wind-related wardrobe malfunctions involving the nose of my saddle and the back of my shorts. I'm pretty sure I mooned a mailman at least once. It can be challenging to swing into the saddle with a bazillion pounds of mail on your back.
Tomorrow's supposed to be rainy and windy. Looks like good weather for testing the new wind vest, among other things. Also looks like I'm going to probably want to wear my thermal tights at least once more this year. Also, also looks like a good day to co-ordinate rides with the weather so you get a tailwind while climbing :)
There's a saying about the month of March: "In like a lion, out like a lamb." Since weather.com is predicting a ten-degree temperature drop between 3 and 9 AM, I'm guessing the lion's a little early.
Tomorrow (technically today; having a touch of insomnia) is going to be one of those days for the maxim, "Just remember: in Belgium, they race in this stuff."
Edit: Just logged my Eva Bandman ride from the other day on Map My Ride. I like the way the elevation profile scales relative to the overall change in elevation. If you just glance at the elevation profile on the map:
http://www.mapmyride.com/routes/view/28755502/
and don't look at the numbers, you'll think there are actual climbs on this ride.
In fact, the elevation profile for this ride should look more or less like this:
\____________________________________________________________/
Only the starting descent and ending climb shouldn't be quite so stiff. If I can ride it in 53x15, get to the top, and say to myself, "Oh, there was a hill there," it really shouldn't count :D
Also, it turns out MMR now has a food log tool, so I can drift away from Livestrong altogether. Not that I don't like Livestrong, but their mapping tool is slow as Christmas, and that annoys the bejeebers out of me.
In other, other news, I am down about 2 lbs for the week, so I'm happy with that. More than that, at this point, would be overkill. One of these days I will get really brave and start posting my weight numbers :::gulp::: Maybe I'll post them in stone, just to be obstinate.
...And now I'm going to bed, so I don't kill myself on the bike tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Time to Build!
I brought the new frame into the shop to get the party started on the build. With the fork and headset, it weighs in at 4.09 lbs (around 1.86 kilos). Looks like a good starting point for a light, fast road bike. I've decided to name it 'Mercury.'
After a brief conference, Billy and I decided to build it up as a 9-speed touring bike, with a slightly more relaxed geometry than Quicksilver's and (OMG) bar-end shifters (they're a little less expensive than brifters, but won't look as wonky on the rather-more-modern-than-is-usually-my-style frame).
Billy is providing a pair of Mavic Aksium Race clinchers and an FSA carbon crankset, so the remaining parts for the build will probably run me around $300 - $400. That's a hair more than I was originally planning to spend (I was going to go with just the Mavic wheelset), but a really solid higher-end-than-I-was-expecting road machine for a total of about $500 - $600 (including the around $100 DD paid for the frame, after shipping) is actually a really good deal anyway. Next year, I'll probably stick some brifters on it and use it as my race bike.
We were planning to put a pair of older Shimano brifters (I forget the model number) on the new road bike, but scrapped that idea in favor of putting them on my old green GT, Swift -- which is becoming, in Billy's words, 'A legit 'cross bike.' I removed the old flat bar and the cables today, and Billy swapped in the drops and brifters from our spare parts bin. We'll need to order a crankset, since I'm planning on a 1x7 or 1x8 setup. The current crankset is a heavy -- and crappy -- triple.
As for wheels, I'll probably just roll with Swift's current wheelset for now. Lighter wheels wouldn't kill me, but the ones I've got aren't anchors, either. They're also bomb-proof, which is a good quality in a 'cross bike.
This process should significantly trim Swift's weight. I was amazed how much the flat bar alone weighed -- it was actually significantly heavier than the drops we've got on there now. The seatpost was also heavy. You could have used either to knock someone out (in fact, the flat bar was disturbingly well-balanced for use as a weapon -- eek!). I'm keeping the grips -- they might fit DD's mountain bike.
I think I'll see about a carbon seatpost and maybe -- if I stumble into some money, somehow -- a carbon fork (for now, I'm just sticking with the existing steel fork).
All of this couldn't be timelier, as we're seriously kicking around the idea of putting together a shop team (probably 'cross-oriented). Everyone actually seems pretty excited about it, which is awesome. The challenge, of course, will be organizing training rides, since most of the messengers (myself included) are also students -- but I'm sure we can figure something out. If nothing else, we can probably do 'cross practice on Friday after work. Fortunately, work just about two miles from the local 'cross course -- which happens to be where the 2013 Worlds will be happening, so we're all pretty excited about getting our wheels into it.
I'm pretty happy with how my life is kind of falling together right now, and pretty excited about getting more involved with 'cross racing. This means getting more serious about training, but I'm game for it.
Thus, I'm adding to my goals:
Drop 25 - 30 pounds by September (very doable)
Get the CBD Race Team rolling
Set up a weekly 'cross practice day (Friday?)
I'm thinking the 'cross practice should be combined with some kind of group outing involving significant others and beer afterwards, so nobody feels left out.
After a brief conference, Billy and I decided to build it up as a 9-speed touring bike, with a slightly more relaxed geometry than Quicksilver's and (OMG) bar-end shifters (they're a little less expensive than brifters, but won't look as wonky on the rather-more-modern-than-is-usually-my-style frame).
Billy is providing a pair of Mavic Aksium Race clinchers and an FSA carbon crankset, so the remaining parts for the build will probably run me around $300 - $400. That's a hair more than I was originally planning to spend (I was going to go with just the Mavic wheelset), but a really solid higher-end-than-I-was-expecting road machine for a total of about $500 - $600 (including the around $100 DD paid for the frame, after shipping) is actually a really good deal anyway. Next year, I'll probably stick some brifters on it and use it as my race bike.
We were planning to put a pair of older Shimano brifters (I forget the model number) on the new road bike, but scrapped that idea in favor of putting them on my old green GT, Swift -- which is becoming, in Billy's words, 'A legit 'cross bike.' I removed the old flat bar and the cables today, and Billy swapped in the drops and brifters from our spare parts bin. We'll need to order a crankset, since I'm planning on a 1x7 or 1x8 setup. The current crankset is a heavy -- and crappy -- triple.
As for wheels, I'll probably just roll with Swift's current wheelset for now. Lighter wheels wouldn't kill me, but the ones I've got aren't anchors, either. They're also bomb-proof, which is a good quality in a 'cross bike.
This process should significantly trim Swift's weight. I was amazed how much the flat bar alone weighed -- it was actually significantly heavier than the drops we've got on there now. The seatpost was also heavy. You could have used either to knock someone out (in fact, the flat bar was disturbingly well-balanced for use as a weapon -- eek!). I'm keeping the grips -- they might fit DD's mountain bike.
I think I'll see about a carbon seatpost and maybe -- if I stumble into some money, somehow -- a carbon fork (for now, I'm just sticking with the existing steel fork).
All of this couldn't be timelier, as we're seriously kicking around the idea of putting together a shop team (probably 'cross-oriented). Everyone actually seems pretty excited about it, which is awesome. The challenge, of course, will be organizing training rides, since most of the messengers (myself included) are also students -- but I'm sure we can figure something out. If nothing else, we can probably do 'cross practice on Friday after work. Fortunately, work just about two miles from the local 'cross course -- which happens to be where the 2013 Worlds will be happening, so we're all pretty excited about getting our wheels into it.
I'm pretty happy with how my life is kind of falling together right now, and pretty excited about getting more involved with 'cross racing. This means getting more serious about training, but I'm game for it.
Thus, I'm adding to my goals:
Drop 25 - 30 pounds by September (very doable)
Get the CBD Race Team rolling
Set up a weekly 'cross practice day (Friday?)
I'm thinking the 'cross practice should be combined with some kind of group outing involving significant others and beer afterwards, so nobody feels left out.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Training Goals for 2011
Overall Goals:
Garner as much enjoyment as humanly possible from riding the bike.
Continue to improve my health.
Don't overdo it.
Long-Distance Goal:
Yes, I'm going to try again for a 200k, if I can find one that isn't, say, the 19th of this month. I don't think I'm likely to be ready for a 200k by next Saturday!
If I don't manage to find an organized 200k, then at least one or two organized centuries.
In 2012, I would like to do a Super-Randonneur series, but we'll see.
Racing Goal:
Try new things, have fun, and try to finish races -- but not at the expense of fun!
Work Goal:
Continue to improve at providing fast, efficient courier service throughout CBD's service area.
Garner as much enjoyment as humanly possible from riding the bike.
Continue to improve my health.
Don't overdo it.
Long-Distance Goal:
Yes, I'm going to try again for a 200k, if I can find one that isn't, say, the 19th of this month. I don't think I'm likely to be ready for a 200k by next Saturday!
If I don't manage to find an organized 200k, then at least one or two organized centuries.
In 2012, I would like to do a Super-Randonneur series, but we'll see.
Racing Goal:
Try new things, have fun, and try to finish races -- but not at the expense of fun!
Work Goal:
Continue to improve at providing fast, efficient courier service throughout CBD's service area.
O-O
February Goals:
-Week One-
Long ride: 20 miles
Total Distance: 100 miles
-Week Two-
Long ride: 25 miles
Total Distance: 110 miles
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
New Goals, Again
I need to look up my old new goals. For all I know, these are exactly the same goals ... but, here we go:
That's all for now :)
- Eat more often, and stop failing to eat after workouts. Recovery-chow is your friend.
- Sleep more.
- Complete at least one cyclocross race this season without dying.
- Complete A Good First (Imperial) Century in October.
That's all for now :)
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