Summary Of All Cycling Magazines' Issues, Evar

We cyclists do not have a lot of time on our hands.

Between riding the bike and ... doing all that other stuff that pays for the bike, and the food that powers it ... and then riding the bike a bit more ... we're busy.

Nonetheless, we routinely purchase various cycling magazines. Most of us get subscriptions so we don't have to look for our magazines in stores, which would both waste time and require us to walk around in what non-cyclists fondly call 'tap shoes.'

However, reading all those magazines takes time, and that's the one thing we don't have. This is probably why cycling magazines are often found in cyclists' bathrooms — where else can a cyclist read? (Oh, of course — on the trainer or rollers, but only in winter, or when there's an imminent threat of tornadoes.)

As such, and because I endeavour (albeit not very intently, because who wants to endeavour when there's a bike to ride?) the improve the lives of all cyclists everywhere, I have conducted an exhaustive survey of ... um ... at least three editions of at least one cycling magazine, in order that I may offer to all of you an encapsulated summary of all cycling magazine content, everywhere.

Once you read my summary, I am fairly certain you will never have to read another cycling magazine ever again. I have incorporated the most important parts from each of the recurring articles that appears in every cycling magazine ever published (as demonstrated by my exhaustive survey). For ease of use, you'll see each article title in small header format, followed by the text of the article in question.

Best of all, most of the articles are, like, one sentence long.

Are you ready? Are you on your rollers (or sitting at work, procrastinating)?

Cycling Metamagazine: Eternal Edition

LOSE WEIGHT NOW!

Ride more; eat less.

CLIMB LIKE AN ACE!

"Don't buy upgrades: ride up grades." -- Eddy Merckx

EQUIP YOURSELF FOR RACING SEASON!

Decide if you like Shimano, Campy, or SRAM, then buy the most expensive component group you can afford.

GET FASTER!

"Ride lots." -- Eddy Merckx

PRODUCT REVIEW!*

Our sponsor says to buy this snazzy thing or you will die, or lose all your races and look dumb in front of your friends, which is even worse.

WHO DOPED??!

Some people and/or most people and/or everyone.

Well, that about sums it up. Now that I have neatly summarized the entire catalog of every cycling magazine ever printed, you can spend all the time you might have devoted to reading them riding your bike.




*Thanks to contributing editor John Romeo Alpha